Maybe I’m Weak

Love. Obviously it’s a topic that I have written about on more than one occasion. Love is so complicated. It is so easy to fall in ‘love’ with a person. Having someone to catch you when you fall is the problem.

If you’ve read some of my blogs before, you know that I never have to best luck with relationships, ever. I constantly pick the wrong guys and the wrong guys constantly pick me.

For all of my single ladies and gentlemen out there, have you ever blamed yourself for being single? I have. I always do. I know that I should not. It’s like beating yourself up; constantly reminding myself of my flaws/imperfections. It’s like self-abuse… I’m not going to lie, I had a little crying breakdown a few days ago about it all.

I don’t mind telling the world about my issues. As I said in an earlier blog, people are always going to say things about my life and make things up; I am here to give you all the truth, facts about my life.

FACT: On the outside , I appear to be a young lady with confidence. Yes, this is true, but I have always been a touch self-conscious.

Whenever something goes wrong in a relationship, whether it’s my fault or not, I constantly find myself being the one to apologize. Why? Because I don’t want to lose the person I am with because I hate being alone.

In my last post about my comfort zone, I said that I found my comfort in being with men. Ever since I was fifteen, I have had the feeling of security provided by a male.

Being with men makes me feel good about myself. They tell me I’m pretty, they make jokes to see me smile and hear me laugh, they hold me close, look me in the eyes… I just always feel so much better about myself when I am around people of the opposite sex.

I know that three years isn’t an extremely long time, but when you are used to something for so long, being without it, things become hard, more difficult.

Saying that makes me seem as if I am weak, as if I cannot be comfortable or happy with myself without the support of someone else.

I obviously don’t want to admit that the above statement is true, but maybe it is.

I don’t want a significant other just to help me feel better about myself, but I also love to love…

I’ve been single for a while now… I am loving doing whatever I want to do without having to answer to anyone, but maybe, just maybe, it’s time for me to call it quits and focus on one guy…

Of course, I’ll keep you posted.

Sara Bareilles – Bottle It Up

My Comfort Zone

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Everyone has this thing we like to call a ‘comfort zone’. Examples: Home, work, school, the people who you hang out with, etc. Different people do different things to make themselves feel comfortable.

Comfort zones, in my opinion, may not always be the healthiest things.

Every story that I tell has a valid purpose, so, here is a story.

When I was younger, as in my elementary school days, I was a leader, I was the new kid in the school but I was a leader. Ask anyone who was in my class at Mt. St. Joseph’s Academy. I said what I wanted and I did what I wanted, nothing has changed. Some of the girls who used to be my classmates and friends did not like the trait of leadership that I had. So, what do girls do? They bitch and complain when things don’t go their way. So, I was sick of the little girl drama and I began to hang out with the guys.

During my seventh and eighth grade years, I ate lunch with the boys of my class. I was the only girl at the lunch table. My best friends were and still are the guys who I hung out with in middle school.

I feel the most comfortable around men.

When I am hanging out with guys, I feel like I can truly be myself.

Girls are always so quick to judge. I hate that. I don’t need that.

I enjoy drama free zones. “We found a family spot to kick it, where we can drink liquor and no one bickers over trick shit.” – Tupac

There is no need for rounding up drama.

Most girls that I have met in my life talk about the same bull shit:

Guys who they like, clothes, drama, guys who they like, clothes, drama, guys who they like, clothes, drama.

I love men, therefore obviously I will talk about a crush that I have, but repeating the same thing over and over, day after day, I cannot do it. I will rip my hair out.

I love shopping. Send me to the mall with my sister and we will shop together for hours. But, I am not into talking about the cute clothes I got. I don’t like talking about what designer bag I want or purchased, how much it is… I don’t like talking about what crap I already have…

I like to talk about basketball. I like to watch ESPN. I like to listen to rap music over pop. I like to wrestle with guys, if you tackle me, I am not going to cry over it; I’m going to fight back. Ever since I was at least twelve years old, I have been “one of the guys”. Looking at me, you would think that I was a super girly chick. Nope! Not me.

I find comfort in being with men. Whether, it’s hanging out with guys watching a game, cuddling up, having sex, talking, whatever… I like to be around guys. Maybe that doesn’t make me sound like the greatest person but, whatever… who’s perfect anyway?

Who are you to define love?

Photo taken by Briesha Bell

“Everybody’s journey is individual.  If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy.  The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality.” 

~James Baldwin

Love is love. You cannot help who you fall in love with.

I am a Catholic, Roman Catholic to be exact. I grew up in Catholic schools ever since I was five years old. I went to a Catholic elementary school, a Catholic high school, and I am now enrolled in a Catholic college. Throughout the past eighteen years of my life, I was never taught that being homosexual was wrong. 

One thing that I was taught throughout my years of learning is to treat others the way that you would want to be treated. If I am not mistaken, that is the “Golden Rule”… right?

How would I want to be treated if I was falling in love?

I would want others to support me in my decision. I would eventually want to get married to the person whom I love. I would eventually want to have children with the person whom I love. I would not want people to look at me as if I was different. I would not want to be harassed or made fun of. Why? Because these are actions that I would never do to another person.

Just throwing it out there to everyone, I am what we call heterosexual, better known as straight. I like the dick… and really, I can’t blame other guys for liking it themselves… Sorry, I like to keep it blunt.

I live in this place called America, where all people are granted equal rights. Well then, all people should be granted the right to get married.

I have people in my life who are close to me that are gay/bisexual. Notice, I said people, as in more than one person. Those people are close to me and the last state that I would want to see them in is sadness.

Love is something that just happens. No individual has the right to stop another person/persons from pursuing their happiness.

People who are gay, bisexual, or lesbian are not confused. They know what they like just like you know what you like.

This is 2010. Realize that all people are different and everyone moves to the beat of their own drum.

So Deep In Love – Joel Auge

A New Year…

Every year, most of us stay awake until midnight to enter the new year with our family, friends, and other loved ones. Who doesn’t love a new year to start off fresh? There is this thing we like to call “New Year Resolutions”… We make them, keep them for about a month and then we forget about them.

About two years ago, my mom came up with the idea that she would cut back on cursing so much. Every time in the new year, when she would say a swear word, she put a quarter into a jar that she had. She ended up saving  a nice amount of cash that year… She actually stuck with it for a very long time.

I don’t remember what my resolution was last year. I think it was to cut back on drinking… that didn’t happen. Well, I guess it did considering I go to Bona’s and I don’t drink there often at all…

Hm. Coming up for a resolution this year has been very easy for me. The last ending of this year has not been the easiest for me. Once September hit, things pretty much went downhill and people’s true personalities really started to show. Through other’s flaws, flaws of my own, and mistakes that I have made, coming up with a few resolutions was a piece of cake for  me.

Resolution #1 : Depend on no one but myself. When you ask people to do things for you, they normally don’t do it the way you want it to be done. When you want to plan something out and you are seeking the help of others, it normally doesn’t turn out the way you want it to. (I am just speaking for myself and situations that I have been put in.) When I make plans, they work. When I plan things with the help of others, things normally fail… miserably. In 2010, I am getting shit done on my own. I will make my own moves.

Resolution #2 : Go to the gym at least four times a week. I am sure that you all have seen the commercials on T.V for the Reebok Easytone sneakers… I want those. I never wear sneakers, ever. I am into flats, cute boots, and heels. The most I spent on a pair of sneakers was ten dollars, from Walmat so that I could try out for cheerleading, which I hated and dropped out of. At school, I go to the gym and wear my ten dollar sneakers… but those sneakers are supposed to change my life. These sneakers are supposed to tone my butt and make my legs look really good. If I am paying over $100 for a pair of sneakers, I better put them to good use. Therefore, in 2010, you can find me in the gym working on my ass and leg muscles.

Resolution #3 : Find a job while I am away at school. I hate being broke. Right now, being at home and having a job is so lovely. I cannot wait to pick up my check this Friday. It’s unfortunate that my car broke. My parents are paying for it to get fixed, but I feel bad… so, I feel as if it is my job to pay them back. But, I am so glad that I actually have the money to do so. I love having cash to spend when I want to spend it, on whatever I want to spend it on. At school there isn’t really much to do, but at least I can say that I have money… So, when I get back to school, I will definitely hit up the little lame plazas in Olean and see if there are any places hiring. After viewing the strip club’s websites, I have decided that stripping is NOT in my future considering that I am not a lesbian and I will not lick any girl’s vagina…

I would say that another resolution of mine would be to stop smoking… but, considering that I just brought a new pack of cigarettes, I don’t think that will be happening any time soon.

Truly, I hope that you all have a wonderful New Year. Do something fun and exciting instead of just working and going home like I am doing… You all be safe and don’t drink too much, but make sure you all throw a nice shot back for me!

& bitches can’t find they man, cuz I ride it good…

Ms. Nicki Minaj. This blog is about to go hard. So, if you like her, I suggest that you stop reading this right now. Just a warning.

I would like to start off by saying that the girl is really confident and  her confidence should obviously be admired. But, there is a fine line between confidence and cockiness.

I have listened to almost every song by Nicki Minaj and I just can’t seem to understand why people are so excited about her. The boys are in love with her body… and I mean hey, I can’t really blame them… I have huge boobs, but I’m not going to lie, I wish I was thicker on the bottom like she is. But, her face is average. I am not saying she is ugly and I am not saying that she is pretty. She is plain to me; just normal. There are plenty of female artist out there that are much prettier than she is. Females love her because all the guys love her. She runs around “rapping” about how good she is at sexual acts and how she is “da baddest bitch”. Um, excuse me… you are new to the game. What’s your name again?

Females want to be like this woman. I have no idea why. If my little sister looked up to Nicki Minaj and wanted to be like her, I would smack the shit out of her. Personally, I think all Ms. Minaj is, is a want-to-be Lil Kim. Last time I checked, Lil Kim claimed herself to be “the baddest bitch in the game” and before she started claiming that title, she made more than just one song. Nicki Minaj automatically assumed that since she has connections with Drake and Lil Wayne that she is the baddest. Sorry, that doesn’t make you anything more than you already are. If I was friends with Lil Wayne or Drake, or anyone famous for that matter, it would be amazing. But, I promise you that I would never start to call myself the baddest.

People have sex. Cool. I love bump and grind music. I have a playlist just for that genre of music on my ipod. Sex music, in my opinion is supposed to be nice and slow, meaningful and sexy. Not things such as:

 ”Umm let me think what can I do to kick it off? How bout I cum all on your dick and then I lick it off. I mean, it’s something so funny when it get soft, I like to play with it, squeeze it like a stress ball…”

Now, that sounds like every guy’s fantasy, well, every straight guy’s fantasy. But, to me, I just think she sounds nasty when she is rapping. I just have a picture of a loose girl with no class. I feel like I am listening to porn. Yes, listening to porn.

And I’d like to mention that Nicki Minaj calls herself a Barbie. When I was little my barbies looked nothing like her. The only thing they have in common is skin color, hair, and big boobs… Barbie didn’t even wear weave, Nicki Minaj does.

I think I just have a problem with people who I think are nasty and present themselves as such. I love sex… like, I’m not going to lie to you all. But, you will not hear or see me just talking about it and all the amazing things I do. If you are following me on twitter (click the link to follow me), you may see a few tweets saying that I want to get laid, or maybe that I just had amazing sex but, I will never brag about the things that I do while I am in bed.

I know that privacy isn’t something that I really have much of anymore. I put a lot out about myself in these blogs, but there are some things that I do keep private because they should be.

Ms. Minaj may be making songs with these type of lyrics just for popularity… Being famous, I am sure is amazing… But, there is only so  much I would do for fame.

You watch it while I live it

My Life Your Entertainment – T.I.

If you haven’t heard the song, go take a listen. I don’t think it’s one of his best songs out there, but it is quite interesting and most definitely true for most celebrities.

Now, obviously I am no where near famous… I am just your average freshmen college female trying to live life and get done what I need to get done in order to succeed in life.

But, have you ever felt like people do shit and start drama just to see what your reaction will be? I constantly feel like people do things just to see what my reaction will be. I feel like people just want to egg me on just to see me blow up.

But, the special thing about me is you will never see that happen. I am a tough girl, I know how to hold my own in an argument. If you want to fight me, I don’t need “backup”. I don’t need to bring my sisters, cousins, friends, pets, and neighbors. I got this. I am not saying you should be afraid of me either. I am a 5′4 girl weighing 114 lbs. But, don’t let that fool you.

I’ve been into a few “fights” in my lifetime but nothing ever too serious. The most vicious thing I have ever done was punch my ex boyfriend in the face at a basketball game because he kept talking shit about me. I was seventeen… and I was drunk. I did it because I knew that I could get away with it. I am now eighteen. Um, if I run around punching people and bull shit like that, I will get arrested and I will go to jail.

Now, I am  not saying that what I did when I punched my ex was right… and I’m not going to walk around like I am tough shit… but, I would like to point out that it was a very nice punch… ask anyone.

So, back to the original topic… My life, your entertainment. People in Buffalo seem to know more about my life than I do. Some of you know the exact time I was born, what hospital, and how many pounds I weighed. Now, obviously that was an exaggeration, but you get what I am saying. There are some people out there that are so interested in what I do. Cool I guess. But, for those of you who are super psycho and constantly in my business and constantly doing things to piss me off… get a life. Kay, thanks.

Mad question askin, blunt passin

I have never seen Notorious until last night. Some people may think that it was a good movie while others may disagree… that’s just the way life works. I personally thought the movie was amazing. I never knew the life of Biggie Smalls. I never knew details about his situation with Lil Kim. I never knew the issues he dealt with when married to Faith Evans. I never knew a lot of things about what went on in his life. This movie made me think about a lot of shit… So, as you all know by now, if something catches my attention enough to make me feel a certain way and develop an opinion, I’m going to write about it.

As a young child, Biggie began hanging out in the streets selling drugs and things like that. First problem that I encountered. I hate to see children ruin their lives like that. I know that times are hard… I know that money is tight, and I know that when you sell drugs, you can make nice cash… If I started to sell drugs, I could pay off my student loans, by any material objects that I want, and I could give my parents money just because… We all want cash like that. But, is it really worth risking our lives? Is it really worth hurting your parents to that extent? I say no.

Biggie got his girlfriend pregnant and soon after he found out, he got arrested for selling drugs. When he got out of jail, he picked up right where he left off. He hit up his friends and continued selling drugs and making music.

Now, I know that parents want to do whatever it takes to make sure that they are able to provide for their families but, putting your family at risk takes things to an entirely different level. If I had a child, and trust me, I am able to make this judgement, I would do anything and everything to protect him/her. If my man was selling drugs I would leave him. There is no fucking way I am going to put my child in danger.

Thankfully, Biggie got singed to P. Diddy’s recording label and was able to make clean money.

He began to have a “thing” with Lil Kim. Yeah, they fucked. Lil Kim wanted more, Biggie didn’t. He married Faith Evans and they had a child together. Although he was married, he still hooked up with Lil Kim.

It kills me when people cheat. As you know, I have been cheated on before… No one, and I mean no one, should have to deal with that bull shit. Sure, when you are young you do stupid things… But Biggie was married and had a child with this woman. Don’t fucking cheat. Just thinking about it makes me angry. Faith Evans didn’t even know that he was still having sex with Lil Kim, she walked in on him with a completely different woman. 

I don’t understand what drives people to cheat. Obviously the temptation… but where is the respect for other people? I hate being disrespected. Although I may seem like an asshole, I do realize that people have feelings. I know I say a lot of things in my blogs… One thing I would never do is say or do something without thinking about another persons feelings.

When Biggie cheated on Faith, do you think he asked himself ‘How is this going to effect Faith’s feelings? How is this going to effect this marriage?’ Hell no. He wanted to get laid by this random chick, so he did what he wanted to do. It pisses me off. People need to think before they do and say things. Everyone has feelings. The actions that you take effect those around you.

This blog is getting a little long I know… sorry.

In the movie, and in reality, Tupac and Biggie used to be like best friends. Tupac got jumped one day and thought that Biggie set him up. Obviously he didn’t but that what was assumed at the time. Tension grew between the two and it got out of control. Eventually, Tupac was shot and later, so was Biggie. They never cleared up the tension. I hate having problems/arguments with other people. When I dated a guy, we would never go to sleep mad at one another. If we had an argument, we would work it out before we fell asleep. You never know if you are going to be alive tomorrow… anything can happen. Remember that next time you get into an argument.

There is so much more that I can say about the movie… maybe I will write a part two to this blog tomorrow. I know it has gotten a little long.

Seriously though, just think about everything that I said. Watch the movie also… I learned a lot.

Trust no man, fear no bitch

Trust is a virtue that is very difficult to gain when dealing with others but so easy to lose. 

Why do people lie? 

I am no psychologist therefore I have no idea why people do it looking from that point of view but through my experience people lie, including myself, in order to prevent problems. 

I don’t lie to my friends just because I think that it’s stupid. If they are your real friends there should be no problem with telling the truth. I suppose you could say the same rule applies when dealing with a significant other… but in situations such as this, I have lied. I have never cheated on a boyfriend, and that is the honest truth. When I debated about cheating on a guy that I dated, I broke up with him before I hooked up with another guy… Yeah, yeah… I know that is wrong but hey, I thought it was better than cheating and being deceiving. Go ahead, judge me. 

Little white lies I think are alright… not alright really… but more acceptable. If someone asks you if you are free and want to hang out, you might lie and say that you are busy and can’t right now only because you really aren’t in the mood. I think that those types of lies are alright. 

Lying to your parents… totally fine in my eyes! Only because I do it quite often. For the longest time my parents questioned me if I smoked cigarettes. I always told them no just because I was underaged and they would bitch at me about it. 

When I would go to my friend’s house to drink or smoke weed (yes, I smoke… judge me), the next day my parents would ask me what I did… Obviously I am going to lie to them. Getting in trouble is the last thing that any teenager wants to do. 

When I go to the liquor store, obviously I am lying to workers. I am not twenty-one. Just give me my alcohol so I can go take some shots please! 

Lying is something that goes on every single day. It’s sad but that is just the reality of things… this is the life we live. We live in a world full of lies. Considering this fact, I believe that is why it is so hard for people to gain trust. I only trust a few people in this world… and I feel that doing so is the best decision that I could make.

Yeah I got ya man whipped, bitch with no chain…

Tila Tequila

“I ain’t tryna fuck ya man. Everybody know he my number one fan. I done been there, done that, bitch and? You wanna get mad bitch, I don’t give a damn. This is how it do, you is how it don’t. Talkin all this shit but you know you really won’t. Feelin insecure when I come around the spot. Tila get it crunk so I drop it like it’s hot.”

- Fuck Ya Man – Tila Tequila

Music defines my life. I live vicariously through the lyrics of artist.

I decided to start off with that particular lyric because… well, it’s pretty self-explanatory.

In my opinion, artist succeed because they are able to reach out to listeners such as myself. Although at times we may feel as if we are dealing with a certain situation all alone, we have to remember that others have gone through if not the same, similar situations.

I used to do just really stupid things when I was stressed out or pissed off. Now, I just say fuck it, there is no reason for me to be so dumb; channel your anger and stress into something positive. Do things that you like instead.

This blog was completely random and isn’t one of the most exciting to read. But hey… you never know what I will write about next.

 

I’m A Classy Lady… Sorry.

I am sure that there are a number of things that people can claim to be classy and not classy at all. It’s all a matter of opinion.

Examples:

Some people feel as if it is unladylike for females to curse. Cool. I talk like a sailor as my mother would put it.

Some people don’t agree that women wear pants… In my high school, we had a strict dress code that prohibited pants. I adore dressing up and wearing dresses and skirts, but i also love wearing jeans and shorts…

Some people don’t think it is classy for females to drink a lot. Awesome. You can find me at the table playing beer pong or flip cup. Or my personal favorite, find me throwing back shot after shot with the guys.

Some people don’t think it is classy to smoke cigarettes. When I go to the club, you can either find me on the front of the stage dancing my ass off or in the smoking section lighting up with my best friend. Marilyn Monroe made it classy and guess what, I think I do too!

One thing that I find completely trashy is girls fighting. You make yourself look like a fool and I think it is such an embarrassment to the entire female society. There is no reason for girls, or guys for that matter to run around beating each other. Last time I checked, we are all eighteen, and we can go to jail. There is not anything classy about an orange jumpsuit…

I like to think of myself as a pretty classy chick therefore, you will not find me fighting making a complete fool of myself. Sorry.